I’ve been at a loss for about three weeks.
Frustrated. Tired. Moody.
No, I’m not pregnant, and if you curse at me like that, I’ll cut a bitch.
It’s just been so much pressure, and losing folks that it finally taking its toll. I tried to work through it, but I broke down three times within these past three weeks. I guess it’s more of some disrespect, and some of it is not being able to properly grieve as one should be able to.
It’s been ruff, and then our lovely covid scare. Did I mention the new car is in the shop? I mean dammit to hell and around the corner.
My theory is this: I’m an Actress/Entertainer. Nothing in my life will be smooth, even after I make it big. Being an artist is a blessing and a curse. I’ve accepted it. It’s the only way my True Hollywood Story will be interesting. Otherwise, I pissed off someone in a previous life. It’s ok, I tell myself. We’ve been through some shit before, and we will come out stronger than before.
I’ll say this, I’ve been establishing boundaries. Especially with immediate family. I have to, or this family will not get where they need to go. I really need folks to understand that. You may not agree, or even understand, but you will respect our boundaries. I think it’s beautiful thing to realize your worth, power, grace, and determination. You don’t need to explain it to others. Just respect it and accept it.
Funny story: I was bought up in a strict religious household. That being disowned for being homosexual (for example) would consider you dead on arrival. Now, as I sit here at the age of 40, I truly question why is this something that was stressed as harshly as if I robbed a house?
I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian, but I am saying that I wish my family were more open to letting folks to make their own decisions, which is something I’m doing with my children. That if I came home and said “Hey Mom, I’m a lesbian and here’s my new girlfriend”, and my mother says “Oh cool”.
The reason I say this, is because I’m really noticing how if I try to make a decision, and I talk to my mother about it, not for advice, but to let just let her know what we are doing, it turns into “No you need to do it this way or its wrong”. It’s a great way to not have your kids talk to you.
Here’s a better example. I’ve gotten more involved in local politics. I was approached about running for city council. Now, for me, I was torn because my background isn’t squeaky clean, and I know that, and I’m in the entertainment biz. That alone I know would make people run. Of course, I’m telling her I was thinking about it. “No you don’t need to do that. You need to focus on your career and businesses”.
Now, I find it hypocritical to say that as we were also raised in a heavy political household. One thing was stressed to me was “the only way things change is you have to be involved”. Of course, I vote, but deep down, I thought it was an honor to think folks think I would be a great candidate. For me, I got mad more at the statement, because I didn’t ask you. I asked my kids. Their opinion matters. You are secondary at this point. On a deeper level, its more of if anything takes me away from being available to her, it’s a problem.
We come full circle to establishing boundaries. What part of I’m a grown 40-year-old with three kids and my own life do you not understand? What part of you actually just being supportive and giving unconditional love do you not understand?
The bigger question I can’t answer is what if this is the best she can give? Generational toxic habits are huge in this family, and I decided to break them with my kids, but I find it a fight and struggle when I’m just updating Mom/Grandma on what we are up to. Where does the control end? I know I’m not the only grown offspring having this as an issue.
So, the last couple days, I’ve just been wondering how to handle this because it aint easy. It’s basically told to me I don’t know how to make decisions on my own. I need my family to understand that’s toxic as fuck, and it’s a great way to get cut off. In a roundabout way, we are demanding to let us live. I have issues with them on things, but the difference is I don’t say anything because I don’t live with you. As long as it doesn’t involve us, we honestly don’t care.
In chapter 40, we are focused and determined.
I want to make sure this is set in stone without being disrespectful. That even with me being disrespected even in apologies, I still care about not disrespecting them. Weird.
That’s why (hopefully) I can finally go into therapy, because I refuse to lose my shit while on this journey. I OWE it to my kids to be mentally healthy. I think in some ways my immediate family dont see me as an adult or my kids as mine.
This isn’t new, just tiring. It’s taking it’s toll, even now on my kids, because they feel the same way. It keeps me on the defensive with a lot of folks. I want it to end. It’s not saying I won’t be defensive towards people, but it could help in outside relationships for me to make my stance known. It’s a pattern I see within myself. That since I can’t have respect from immediate family, it shows up in outside friendships and relationships. Difference now is I’m tired of the bullshit. I’ll own I didn’t confront this sooner, but I guess you live and you learn.
We shall start the new week and hope we can resolve this going into 2022, because I can’t keep this shit going. It will literally drive me insane……..
Between that and my father telling me to go to hell, it’s been weird. Now you are probably thinking “Damn I’m sorry”. Frankly I’m not. He did me a favor. You see, he was an absent father. I’m being nice when I say that. He’s also an alcoholic. His choice of method is binge drinking to drown out his issues he doesn’t want to address. That’s on him, but what you won’t do it disrespect my kids or me. You will not talk down to me. It’s a common thing.
Like I said, chapter 40 is about conquering and making moves. Either get on that ride, or move out the way. I’m speaking it into the universe,
“We will succeed, get our big breaks, and build our empire”.
It is what we were put here to do. Now, to get mentally prepared………